Caro Ramsay's blog

2012-01-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

Sunday was a new experience. Some lovely, but maybe misguided people had won me at an auction! The prize was lunch with me and the chance to witness my wit, wisdom and dodgy table manners at first hand. They were obviously going to walk away with a full sense of disappointment and an empty wallet.
These events always begin as a slightly nerve wracking experience. I do recall Victoria Wood saying that she had done such an occasion and that she sat there... and sat there..., the other three sat opposite her, looking at her in almost total silence. The only thing they would say was ‘Ok then make us laugh.’ Beforehand, I kept thinking that one of them might say...’so how exactly would you go about killing somebody and get away with it? My husband for example, how would you kill a man like that? Theoretically speaking of course...’ And then start taking notes.....
However Margaret and co were lovely... even more surprising that they all had a law degree (!). Good job that I am used to being the intellectual lightweight. I hope they thought they got value for money and that they had a good time. The meal was donated by the Eglinton Arms in deepest Eaglesham; the Eggie I do believe it is called locally. It is now going to appear in book 5, THE NIGHT HUNTER. I might have to go back and sample the coffee and scones again for research purposes. The Parmesan cheese and polenta rissoles then deep fried goat’s cheese were fab. It was better than a chip butty and Irn Bru on a chilly seat on the beach at Largs. My co nibblers had some slices of dead cow which they seemed to enjoy but I did not enquire. I don’t think I could ever make it as a food critic.
Nice to know that they went off to Asda and we went off to Tesco! HWMBI had been sitting in the car for the entire duration – the whole time. I thought he might have escaped for a Yorkie bar or died of boredom but he said it was bliss, sitting in warm car, listening to his philosophical lectures, his phone off where nobody, including me, could nag him.
It was all in aid of Action Medical Research. A great way of raising funds where I hope, everybody gets something out if it and the charity gets more than anyone. Times are hard for fundraisers ,last year my co diners had out bid the others for a hot air balloon ride, I hope I was slightly more fun than that. Or if not more fun, at least available for lunch in all weathers.
If anybody is interested Alex Grey and I will be doing some joint after dinner speaking for the same charity in Edinburgh on the 23rdMarch at the George hotel... I think I might be the intellectual light weight on that occasion as well.
In fact I think I might be trying to do some fundraising myself as I have just got the bill in for the roof damage. I could buy St Mirren a new goalie for that money. Two in fact.

2012-01-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

As you can tell by the silence in blog world, things have been very busy indeed. I am postulating on various issues of the universe.

1) Did Barnes Wallis get his idea for the dambuster bombs by watching old ridge tiles bounce
down a slate roof, smashing everything in their path?

2) Fallen trees do make remarkable traffic calming devices.

3) Why does water pouring in the roof make it's way to the ceiling where the newest plaster is
and then make it's way through staining everything in it's path a shitty brown colour ?

4) Am I looking forward to Wullie the plasterer moving back into the house to repair the
plaster he has just repaired? Will he make it on X factor?Is the world ready for him? Is
Simon Cowell?

5) After a week long wait, why does the roofer appear the minute you step unto the bath?

6) In a fight between a remote controlled tank and an old pit bull, the dog will win every time.

7) Did the guy who wrote the exorcist get the pane of glass through the neck idea by watching
the roof come off the football stadium next door and float into his garden with all the precision
of Fatima throwing a javelin. Or sneezing out a cockroach?

8) Did Mr Baum get his idea for the Wizard of Oz by watching next door's hut being lifted up and
spun across the garden? In Glasgow?

9) Everytime I start to do this, another email comes through. I have interesting things in the
pipeline that I'll tell you about tomorrow as another email has just popped through!

Interesting!

caro

pixie world

2011-11-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

Well welcome to the world of the pixies. Anybody who has ever moved from A to B will know that at some point someone has to a start packing up all the stuff, this job is done by the pixies. Getting all the boxes out..done by the pixies. Going through the loft and the basement, done by the pixies. These pixies are malevolent and always seem to remove the thing that the AN Other desperately wants at that minute. Although the article in question has not been seen or used for years and is now packed at the bottom of a box, at the bottom of a pile at the back of the garage. This produces cries of abject misery... OH but I need it now..... Did I unpack anything?... Did I hell. I resisted all temptation to go and buy another one, no matter how much it might help the economy. As wee granny used to say, you can always get used to doing without. And without sounding too much like my mother it never really does you any harm to ‘go without.’ (greek economics should take note!)

It fact I think my life would be happier and culturally enriched if we had to do without the x-factor and that thing on the other channel where they wear sparkly frocks, too much fake tan and twirl around a lot. He who would must be ignored goes off his nut, forced to watch the x-factor by his two charming but artistically challenged teenagers , he who must be he ignored just rants. The kids don’t actually watch the show, they just turn on the tv, sit back and wait for the rant to begin. It is funnier than Nick Clegg.... and probably last longer than the average chart life of the winning X factor contestant. He who must be ignored is that most cherished of things ( a man who does the ironing!) a musician who can play by ear. Having spent much of my youth around musicians and their ilk, you can trust them when they say ‘they are singing flat! very flat! Why is he saying that was good, that was flat!’ Over and Over....

But I think I would be blind not to notice that the same thing is happening in publishing. Looking at the books kicking around supermarkets for instance. I like Jeremy Clarkson, but I trust him about as far as I could comfortably spit out a warthog. I do admire his cheeky charm but do I want to read about his private life in a book? No. Nor Jordan, nor that other one that I can’t figure out what she actually does for a living...... Kerry Katona? Any of you that have read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy will recall the bit where all the useless people were sent off into space to inhabit a new planet. Oh I’ve just remembered that turned out to be the Earth didn’t it. We have evolved from the terminally useless. Well I suppose that explains the Simon Cowell phenomenon that is going on.

Why did get rid of that wee fat ugly one that can hold a tune? he asks. I think he answered his own question there. In fact I think I might put the plasterer forward for the x-factor, he does look like Rab C Nesbitt on a bad day but the man can sing. And I apologise for missing the joke out last week, as I was reminded more than once... . The song Nessan Dorma is known in Scotland as ‘no messin norma’.

And with regard to philosophy, did you hear about the philosopher who went to the brothel to try to improve the minds of the prostitutes? Well he found out that you can put Descartes before the whores but you cannot make them think.

And while on that theme.... joke overheard in Morrison’s tea room... what has a hundred legs and no teeth? The methadone queue at the pharmacy. Funny but sadly true.

the return of the ramsay!

2011-10-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

It seems ages since I last sat down to blog but I do have excuses of deadlines, builders and being short staffed at work. It was difficult to find time to sleep never mind write anything.

A strange highlight of the last few weeks was being underneath the table with a bearded collie called Buddy while appearing on the Fred MacAulay Show. I was talking about treating animals and trying to amuse the live audience as Buddy chewed happily on my shoes. He was a lovely dog, but he was wearing a red bandana. That to me is the same as a man who wears a bow tie as a fashion statement (never to be trusted). Any bandana wearing pooch or indeed, any pooch with a pink coat or dog wellies is a target for the wonderment that is Emily pit bull. She attacks them on sight with her little Mutley laugh. My dog is a type as named by Billy Connolly, it’s a ‘Wee Glasgow brown dog’... a strange looking short coated rather ugly animal that resembles a haggis with an obesity issue. These dogs, seen all over Glasgow, are commonly strutting about, leading a gang of reprobates. They walk as if they own the place and are rather good at upending wheelie bins. Their natural diet is chicken tikka and irn bru. Their personal hygiene is iffy in the extreme.

Buddy, resplendent in his red bandana, showed off his party trick on the radio- barking on command. My dog’s party trick is the summary slapping around of dogs wearing red bandanas.

After talking to Buddy under the table, I was treated to coffee by David hyphenated, I can never recall his proper name or his job title but he is something very important at BBC radio. He asked me to submit a few ideas but not crime or comedy he said. My heart sank as I thought, ‘why the .... are you asking me??’ But I did put in four ideas and there was one that he hated slightly less than he hated the other three so we will see what comes of that. Writing plays for radio is much more difficult than it seems.

The Jack the Ripper play is being ripped apart (pardon me!) by my co writers, book four is away at the printers, book five is cooking nicely and when I get to that point my brain halts in protest at having too much to do. I have also got a whole load of appearances and talks to do – some of them are quite grown up--- see above comment about crime and comedy --- I’m not that much good at philosophy beyond that Rab C Nesbitt Govan street philosophy. That I can understand but Kierkegaard and all these chappies seem to have a go at horses all the time... is it a horse isn’t it a horse.... mmmm. Is in conceptual horse. Is the horse there? Or merely in your conscious? Do these people have too much time on their hands? I’m appearing on a panel of forensics and philosophy. I do have a great book on ethics and forensics which I think I shall quote a lot and look clever.

Managed to make it back to weegie which, like,most literary events these days has turned into a bit of a moan fest about how bad publishing is . But they had good sandwiches and I had a great chat with my pal Brian about the best way to lock Cinderella is a cupboard and spoke to Phyllis who is venturing into e publishing, (I might have that wrong).

Had a bit of bad news... the lovely and quietly humorous John Lawton ( I think of him as the Bill Nighy of the crime writing world) will not be joining me at the Bristol Crimefest this year...as he is holed up in Italy with his cat, some red wine and a year’s worth of desert island discs. I read that as I was sitting with a duvet wrapped round me trying to maintain some kind of core temperature as the builders had all the doors open, it was snowing on the hills and the wonderdog was lying in front of the freezer in an attempt to heat up. The plasterer was practicing the high notes in Nessan Dorma, so I decided to ignore Mr Lawton for being a wee smarty.

Going now to practice chasing some dead people over the top of the Rest and Be Thankful and that is a major wellie and thermal underwear job. That’s a back to the car for a chip buttie and flask of cocka leekie soup job! Can’t do that in Italy Mr Lawton eh?

Rosie Birk Larsson

2011-08-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Been very negligent recently on the blogging front, due to holidays, book five, Jack the ripper and the excitement of a new carpet, indeed a carpet. After living in a building site for years it is really something when a carpet finally goes down and there is one room at least that’s not got cold, jaggy, drafty floor boards...with a gaps so big they create disorder in the space time continuum. All sorts of creepy crawlies come up the gaps, probably terribly mutated by the limitations on the gene pools. Spiders mostly, huge hairy spiders that frighten the pit bull. Been working hard on a play script/ treatment whatever you call it, my story boarding for the jack the ripper musical. I’m taking the challenge on the chin and trying to write it with a degree of empathy for the ripper. He wasn’t a bad old sod really compared with more recent serial killers. Very interesting that it was the first series of murders where there was a literate population to follow what the police were and were not doing by mass media. And the newspapers found out just how much they could boost their circulation by scaring the man, and indeed the woman, in the street senseless.

The name jack the ripper comes from a letter sent by a reporter pretending to be the murderer, just to stir things up a wee bit. Just as well they did not have phones in those days.

In the musical though, we are really are trying to scare the pants off folk. None of this cheery, happy cockney stuff of Dick Van Dyke and Tommy Steele. I’m working with a very talented musical person ( not in the Julie Andrews mould, more in the Lemmy from motor head mould) and a ripperologist who keeps thinking that the truth has some bearing on the issue. (Tempted to say that’s unusual for a cop but that would be unfair. Not.) Never let the truth get in the way of a good story of course!

Book five is coming on a storm, book four is away being proof read. Not sure what the title will be but I think THE BLOOD OF CROWS is top of the list at the moment.

Spent most of my time on holiday reading Stieg Larsson and the Millenium trilogy. And I really don’t know why I bothered. Well I do know, I believed the hype. Sinc e then I have been doing a little bit of market research through my patients who have read all three and there’s a constant theme.. ‘yes, I enjoyed them. No, I didn’t read it all. Yes, I skipped over bits... and then , on close interrogation, there is a strange admittance of finding endless repetition, and not really believing the entire baseline of the story. I read it and was intrigued. I got in touch with a pal who lives in Stockholm, who is a Scottish trained criminal lawyer but has been working in Sweden for a few years. She had read the whole lot and was also wondering how you can be diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with no symptoms. And that an appeal to the court will lift any guardian status for anybody with a lifestyle that they can maintain. Sweden, not Soviet Russia. Or was that the point Larsson was trying to make.

If you want a really tense story of murder, love and betrayal with a truely engaging female character, try that other Larsson.... Birk Larsson. He of the killing Danish TV series, now been remade by American TV. I’ve heard the American version is good but I was so taken by the original I don’t want to have another version in my head. I was so wound up in it I had to look up a spoiler site on the internet and make sure they caught the murderer in the end. I couldn’t get to sleep without knowing that. The guy playing Thise Birk Larsson, the victims father, deserves a TV Oscar .

It was fab.

Just as fab is Random by Craig Robertson, the guy I am appearing at the Edinburgh festival with. The event should be good

More soon

The King Of The Sausage People

2011-06-01T01:51:00.000-07:00

Had a very good night at writers group last week with a guest writer Alistair McIver. He’s a children’s writer and into folk lore and kelpies (no that’s not illegal!). I knew he was a professional story teller and I attended with some misgiving as I thought ‘oh no, he’ll be a very worthy beardie in cashmere who will nod sagely and think the world would be a better place if we all paid attention to the life cycle of the lesser spotted haggis.’

Not so.

This young man appeared. He reminded me of a friend of mine who is to be found in the corner 48 hours after the party has ended, still in his tie dye t-shirt, still with his braveheart hair, still a bit dazed from doing agadoo until 4 in the morning and overdosing on Night Nurse - bad hangover but clear sinuses. Such is the type of Mr McIver – if not a rebel with a clue, he is at least a rebel with a cause - the cause is storytelling and story writing. His voice is a tad Alex Ferguson meets Sir Ian McKellen. I was surprised that he wasn’t RSADA, he has that degree of presence.... he is convincing even when he’s talking about the invasion of the sausage people and the best way to defend ourselves. The skill of a good story teller I presume.

I did google him to find out that he’s not a Glaswegian, his accent is from Dumfries yet his acting and observation of the Glaswegian ned is uncanny.

He wrote a book called the Glasgow Fairytale. He entered it for a competition for young kiddies but the reading age of the book was too old. He talked at some length about the phrasing and vocab for books for kids of different ages yet as I read the book I am aware that it’s a very subtle and complex plot .. an intelligent read for kids as well as being laugh out loud funny. This book has its multi storylines that intertwine and I suppose that shows that kids can deal with very sophisticated tales as long as they are crafted for that age.

So far, in the book a guy has been sold three magic beans by the jakey on the bus. I think Rapunzel might be an Asylum seeker, there’s a whole sectarian subplot with Cinders and the Ugly sisters and plenty of wry comment on the care system in place for young teenagers. I was with the little pigs all the way through their meeting with the planning officer (we’ve all been there!!!), I was cheering them on with the skin on my chinny chin chin!

Great stuff. I have no idea how it will pan out so from that point of view, it’s better than Steig Larsson. Will Snowy White, the albino chick magnet make it through to the end of the book now that the mirror has named him as the bonniest man in all of Glasgow. Should there have been a superinjunction??

Buy this book if you own a teenager who reads Tolkien a lot and is getting bit serious about life. Read it yourself before you hand it over. Don’t read page five while on public transport, there’s such good joke in there it can provoke spontaneous hilarity and you will walk about all day singing a song from your childhood about yer granny and a bus and you will probably get arrested.

Bristol Crimefest

2011-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the marvellous Crime Fest in Bristol. Such lovely people and I’m sure a region only develops an accent like that in a county where there is little rainfall. Great city with a cool and froody vibe, I think it must be the coffee house capital of Western Europe.

The flight home on Sunday night was iffy in the extreme; the gale of the following day was starting to flex its muscles. The poor wee sqeesyjet was buffeted around, aiming vaguely for a strip of concrete somewhere to land on. As the cabin bounced about – so did my dinner. Both HWMBI and Christopher Brookmyre were nose deep in their respective books and had no idea of the ‘Diehard 2’ type drama going on outside as I imagined Charlton Heston having to abseil into the cockpit to rescue us and get the cabin crew pregnant. As the plane made a reappearance through the clouds, so my dinner thought about making a reappearance through my mouth. The plane got down safely, I got onto the tarmac and felt the fresh air on my face; then into the terminal building to get to the loo and pour cold water on my wrists...only to be confronted by a baby’s bottom covered in poo. The mother was holding it up by its ankles and swinging it round, scraping away at its hind end with a paper towel.

I made it to the loo but only just.

My Crime Fest panel was, in my humble opinion and the opinion of others, one of the best of the convention. The chemistry of the panellists seems to be the main consideration that either makes it work or not work. We had the enigmatic one (Yrsa, think of Lund from “The Killing” and you would be close, that dark eyed Scandinavian ‘when can I escape for a fag’ look!); the clever one (M.R Hall. He was a barrister in a former life. All my friends that are criminal lawyers in Glasgow are all scarred and tattooed. But Matt is highly intelligent and very measured in comment, weighing each word); the cheeky one (me); and the charismatic rogue (John Lawton…the Bill Nighy of the crime writing world. Another bright bloke but more of a ranter than Matt… ranting with big words and he sounds like he knows what they actually mean. He used the word ameliorate twice in the panel. I’d like to put John Lawton and Jeremy Clarkson in a room and see who wins the fight.) It was well balanced with lots of humour flying back and forth, and intellectual comments (not from me I hasten to add). We were chaired by Martin Edwards who has a great knack of making the panel seem fluid while asking the questions the audience would be interested in. He doesn’t just ask the next question on his list ( some moderators do…even if it totally breaks the chain of a conversation and then the panellist has to say…. “But I’d like to pick up on that earlier point”). He makes sure everybody has their say without making it seem like an interview – more like a casual but informative chat. I was sitting next to him and saw his notes…it’s a much more complicated process than it looks.

Well I’ve ordered all their latest books. John Lawton is the only one I’ve not read yet but “A Lily of the Field” is next on my reading list.

The hotel was lovely as usual but good God it was expensive. Thirty gazillion pounds for internet and another twenty million for a gold plated breakfast – we nipped round the corner for a fried egg roll and a double latte (for £2.50). One fellow delegate had given up on the banquet to save a few bob and then realised that she was even more dosh buying a round of drinks at the bar. My bill, interestingly also included a round at the bar. I pointed out at reception that I hadn’t been in the bar the entire time that I had been there. She looked up what it was…a burger and a lager…exactly what a vegetarian non-drinker would order! The man standing behind me said quietly in disbelief “a Glaswegian who has not been in a bar…?”. He will be appearing in my next novel buried in a bunker with a golf club stuck where only a qualified proctologist should go – with latex gloves. But no Vaseline.

More later. All the gossip about Paul Johnston’s moustache and why it’s worth nearly three hundred pounds!!

Baldernock Linn

2011-05-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Just been twiddling around with plot lines and time lines for book five and getting a bit green with envy at fellow writers who spend a whole day here and there, talking to folk and making copious notes. For me it's a good look on the internet and a chat with everyone I know ... and somebody always knows somebody who will help out. This time it was the father of HWMB (he who must be ignored) who grew up near Baldernock and knew the site of my fictional dastardly deed very well. It's called Baldernock Linn. In my youth it was an open stream, caves visible but not easy to get to, having to pass along a four inch wide ledge above a six foot drop to the water before coming to the mouth of the second and much deeper cave. I can remember as a five year old being terrified out my wits as two friends of the family passed me from hand to hand over the (what seemed to me at the time) gorge where I could fall to my death. Like I say it's six feet at most. It's very overgrown now, and that makes it all the more spooky, it's almost dark at the bottom of the gully in early summer, the air is thick, full of insects and the only noise is the constant running of the waterfall that speeds like a curtain over the mouth of the caves.

I didn't hang around, strange feeling that somebody is watching us and I wanted back to the car. When we got there, there was a man standing at the car with a rifle. He seemed a pleasant chap, he and HWMBI exchanged a few pleasantries while I hid in the car. I was convinced he was going to shoot us and roll the burning vehicle down into the gully where we would lie undiscovered for years and be nibbled at by fish. Sometimes I think having an overactive imagination is a curse. The man with the rifle was a farmer of course, trying to protect his lambs from the crows.

Well that's what he told us.

I drove off at high speed in search of lamas and latte.

Caro

2011-05-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

Been very busy again, the business partner decided to go up the Amazon backwards in a canoe with no paddle. We thought this was very brave as they normally panic if they are not in sight of L K Bennett or Starbucks. We thought this was even braver when they came back photos of spiders as big as a human head... and that was in the sleeping quarters. I have trekked the High Atlas in Morocco but all we had to content with was a very drunk Shetlander and a donkey with irritable bowel syndrome.

And things have gone well with the play for Radio 4, the edit for book four is back while I am researching book five. It was always my intention to brutally slaughter somebody on the beach at Whitby in book five ... which was a bit daft as I had never been to Whitby in my life but being a Bram Stoker buff I thought it was rather an enchanting idea. So we booked to go and have a look see - but then had to cancel due to commitments with Radio 4. So we rebooked, not realising it was the Easter weekend we would be away ... as would every Tom, Dick and Harry with their pit bulls, tattoos, chips, Range Rovers and an awful lot of Lambrettas. I had already committed myself to the story, indeed I had already written that part of it - the body lying on the cobbles on the beach, the waves tickling the stones - that chattering noise pebbles on a beach make as the water advances and retreats ... and the body is lying there, being lifted a little with each incoming wave.

I was very happy with that. Until we got there and the beach is of course, sandy. I would like to point out before you lot do, that research has told me that parts of the beach could be either ... but the one bit I wanted, was defo sandy.

While standing there, it became apparent that I couldn't use it anyway, as I had the action in the book. Whitby is built on tiny inlet, there is a perfect view from the surrounding high ground of anything that goes on anywhere on the beach.
Including murder.

It has to be said that the initial impression was not good, it was so busy the cars could not drive down the street due to the crowds on the road and dogs on very long leads getting caught between the cars. It was hot, noisy and very smelly. But then so was Venice probably on that day. It was brutally hot. We drove straight through the town at 0.5 miles an hour and up to the sanctuary of the abbey where I rethought the start of the book - the grass, the ruins, the wind, trying to imagine it all at night and it was perfect for my scene of gory death and destruction. Looking one way at the sea, just a haze of mist in the heat, the other way led to moors that a Bronte would be proud of.

Later, once the crowds had gone, we descended on Whitby (for chips!) and were treated to a thunderstorm worthy of a special effects Oscar. Lightning screeching across the bay, dark clouds rolling in from the sea, the thunder clattering in the distance. The sky was opening and closing allowing shafts of bright sunlight to radiate through, prisms of gold through the sky ... and they shone right on the ruins of the abbey, high on the cliff, silhouetted against the darkening sky behind. It was so beautiful people stopped on the pier to watch the clouds dance over the abbey, not minding that they ( and their chips) were getting soaked through. It was absolutely spectacular. It felt as though Dracula was talking to me, I could hear the voice of Mr Stoker on the wind. I said so and "he who must be ignored" immediately sniffed my Irn Bru to see if there was any alcohol in it. He has no romance in his soul.

In that mood Whitby was a very beautiful place indeed. And worthy of a good murder high on the hill.

I'm busy on the edit of book four, a very different book from book three but still in the Anderson and Costello series, the editor thinks it's 'remarkable, weighty and absorbing'. And I did worry whether is was a natural progression from Dark Water or a departure... but they are happy it's a forward progression in my writing. It was one of those books where the book is written , it gets sent off and then you read in the paper that it has really happened ... but I'm not telling you what but it was a bit worrying!!

We are off to Bristol soon to attend the great Crimefest - that's the one I got in the lift with Jeff Lynsay of Dexter fame and he admitted that he was quite scared of me. I don't really think that was a response to my literary endeavours, I think was just somebody had told him I was from Govan. This year I'm on with Yrsa Sigurdardottir .. if you haven't read her do so ... M R Hall from the tv (The Redeemed, Kavanagh QC amongst others) and John Lawton (Lily of the Field). I'm a big fan of the first two but not so familiar with John's work ... but that's the joy of these festivals you meet people as people ... and then it turns out they are great writers as well.

At the moment I'm trying my first Bryant and May mystery, it was a patient that put me on to them, New Tricks but very good, very funny and very humane, a lovely writer with a light touch an all round good egg ... you see that's what happens when you drive to England listening to Agatha Christie, you end up saying things like 'all round good egg'. Well it's now four and twenty past the hour, I'm going to have a tisane and some devilled eggs ... Not!

Golfing for cats in the Third Reich

2011-04-20T03:24:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Just come back from sub tropical London where I was trying to be well behaved at a very posh party where we menial little writer types had to act grown up in front of publishers and ... err lots of other folk with job titles that give very little clue to what they actually do.

I was hiding in a corner, in a lovely garden with N J Cooper who was telling us about her own garden produce, the stream that runs through her garden, the cherry orchard, the homemade wine. Chris Simms was waxing lyrical about his perpetual spinach, Laura Wilson was chatting about the contents of her window box, I was moaning that I'd had to scrape my car that morning to get to the airport .... how Scotland still has it's winter moments .... the waitress came up offering white wine, red wine and mineral water ... we all took the mineral water and plumped for the vegetarian canapes ... As Ian Rankin once asked ... what has happened to all the rock n roll crime writers. Edgar Allen Poe was an alcoholic by the age of 9.

Had an interesting discussion on one of my favourite topics ... the cultural differences between us as we write and why we write what we write. The Icelandic author whose name I can pronounce (she gave me lessons) but I will not attempt to spell, said that Scotland and Iceland share the same landscape, the countryside around Inverness could be the view out her kitchen window. She thinks, as I do, that the cold and the bitter wind (the bitter, bitter wind ...) shapes our writing. We looked around the lovely English garden we were sitting in, full of sunlight and colour, our host offering her guests factor 15 sunblock, my companion and I sitting in the sun waiting for our skin to turn from blue to pink ...

Our French colleagues were telling us that in "England" (it was always England), books about dogs sell well. In France books about cats sell very well. And golf ... and anything to do with Hitler. From the bizarre conversation that followed, it was just as well we were sober! Golfing with cats ... instead of clubs one presumes.

I'm getting on with book five while the builders are absent with permission. Also thinking about running a marathon ... starting training today. I recovered from that quicker than I recovered from being charged £6.50 for a coffee, two slices of toast and a fried egg at Standsted airport!

Caro

Hello all

2011-04-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hi I definitely can't do this techno stuff. The last two blogs have disappeared into the ether or maybe appeared on somebody else's blog site, poor bugger. However book five has been started, strange thing - I promised myself a break after book four but book five jumped into my head and I had to start writing again. Walking about with serial killers and psychotic rottweillers in your head is not a good idea... much better to get it down on paper. The ugliest dog in the world, like many of us, has been watching the footage of rescue scenes from Japan, especially the search dogs sniffing their way through the rubble, looking for survivors. So when the ceiling fell in... in a classic Only Fools and Horses kind of way, with the poor builder underneath, the ugliest dog in the world leapt to the rescue... running up the stairs.. into a room that was snowy white with stoor... and began digging at the rubble... where she found the builder's packet of Hobnobs and made off with them. Ugly? Yes. Brave? Yes. Stupid.. No! But has no real sense of decorum. She would be the sort of person who would turn up at a stranger's funeral just to fill their plate at the buffet... and then go back for seconds. I've also been at the Radio Lab with BBC Radio Four which has been a very interesting experience. Lovely people; a Channel 4 journalist, theatre people, a poet, screen writers and yours truly. And what different skill sets. They were in awe of somebody who can write 130,000 words. I was in awe of those who can pinpoint a story... and tell it in 7,000 words. But one thing I did realise... novelists have a great capacity to lie instantly and convincingly. The last day of the Lab was spent in the studio recording, often taking 1 hr 30 minutes to get just 3 minutes of good stuff. The actors were very good, endless patience, amazing ability to say the same thing twenty times over without a hint of boredom... getting them to say urticaria ... and then say it in a broad Yorkshire accent. Just try it, it's not easy. Interesting language also, listening to the director and the studio crew and actors talk to each other... strange terminology. We are rumoured to be going back once the edit has been done for a chit chat and overhaul of our ideas. And going out for a pint after that! Should be more next week as my blog is now talking to me again. Caro

back in touch with the world..Hurrah!

2011-01-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

Hello World!

Here I am back in touch after the website suffering more technical problems than Apollo 13. I feel like Baldrick .. a very excited person with a special reason to be excited. That's how bad I am at computers ... this sort of stuff is way beyond me. I would do much better on Come Dine with Me. That's just chemistry, bitching and food poisoning. I'm good at all three!

Having said all that, I have been very busy putting the finishing touches to the fourth novel which will be published about 12 months from now. The working title is the Puppeteer or it might be New Blood or it might be whatever Penguin decide to call it!!

I'm also drafting out book 5 and tomorrow I am missing all my friends at Weegie Wednesday as I am lurking around the backstreets of the West End looking for pokey places to stick dead bodies. Determined not to get stuck in a skip this time.

The big news for those that attend my events is that the building site I live in now has ... heating, floors and wait for it ... flushing toilets ... again I am excited as an excited person etc etc etc. I have done a little research into the nature of the talented but excitable beast that is The Plasterer. I believe their natural domain is in the pub and that they live, when in the wild, on a diet of kebabs and irn bru with occasional alcoholic libation for medicinal purposes. In captivity or indeed in the area that needs plastered, they are rarely seen. In my case The Plasterer was quite domesticated, used to being kept in captivity but howled constantly for his release in a rather superb operatic tenor. Personally I think he should audition for The X Factor, no autotuner needed for him. We nearly needed an ambulance for him when he and the resident Pit Bull had a minor altercation. The Plasterer 0 Pit Bull 3. The dog was playing on its home ground, always an advantage.

More blogging next week. I'm away now to walk across my new floors ... much easier than jumping the gaps, believe me.

Caro

2010-09-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

Busy times.

Been up the proverbial back alley with a photographer for the Daily Record. I am worried that I now find standing in a puddle in the pouring rain, arms out as if I am about to have a shoot out at dawn through the saloon doors of the OK corral, as my natural pose.

Two weeks ago I was on STV's The Hour with Michelle and Stephen. Scary! And the scariest thing was there was no run through or previous meeting or discussion of questions - what you see is what happened - exactly. So, when interviewed by Mark Lawson of Radio 4 you kind of know what you are going to be asked ie something about writing, hopefully. But with Michelle? - it could be "so you're a crimewriter, is that noe great. " How do you answer that? "Aye, next question please."

And then somebody pointed out that I am the dead spit of Eva Peron. I then found out he has since been operated on for an eye problem, no kidding, get better soon Dave! No doubt when he gets a bit better he'll tell me that I look like J K Rowling's big sister.

Then we were off the Milngavie - Fish N' Chips night with champagne - well chip butties and Irn Bru in my case. I was there with Shirley McKay and Gary Moffat (G I Moffat as he is on the cover of his books) and we were dutifully chaired by my favourite QC Len Murray.

At this event 200 fish suppers - this is fish and chips wrapped together in a wee greasy parcel for anybody reading this who isn't a Scot - are delivered from the local chippie. The award winning fish shop closes for half an hour and they get frying as if they are on steroids. The suppers arrived hot but 20 minutes late so us four had to ad lib for a full 20 minutes, at one point we were interviewing each other and then we were asking questions to the audience.

It was also Weegie Wednesday. The award winning short story writer who I confess I thought was a poet but there you go, Donal McLaughlin and I went out with Deborah Niven, who writes stories about moles - all moles are spies - and a German academic who lives in Switzerland and has just written a crime novel. Interesting stuff and a keen observation: so what are the Swiss passionate about I asked? Anything they are good at - pause - unlike the Scots who are passionate about all things they are bad at.... which is just as well... he added in a tutonic kind of way. I found myself thinking of Josef Fritzel. Wolfgang, Wolfie to his pals, was no doubt presented with whisky, tartan and a piece of Harris tweed. But we went one better and in the interests of understanding within the European Union, we gave him Irn Bru, tablet, a macaroon bar and a dictionary of Glaswegian slang. Poor man.

Meanwhile due to an oversight of the greatest PA in the world, I was actually dirving in the muppet mobile with no valid MOT as a lovely policeman pointed out on the A91 in St Andrews. He was very kind and drew directions how to get to the Kincardine Bridge in the dirt on the bonnet. He asked me what I was doing driving about at three in the morning with no real sense of direction. I explained I had been to see Sweet Charity at the Byre Theatre. He shook his head saying that he didn't know any of those songs. I gave him a few bars of Hey Big Spender. He told me to go on my way.

Subsequent visit to the local cop shop to display correct documentation was very interesting with a very drunk lady flat out on a bench - indeed rather well dressed drunk lady - gayly urinating all over the floor. It was the middle of the afternoon. The cops were great in understatement "watch your feet as you go miss" he said.

In the spare three minutes I have I am writing a piece for Red Herring on the collective noun for crime writers - I'm rather fond of a 'denouement'. Indeed my denouement for this blog is I have passed my exam. I have no idea of what letters I get after my name now but I kind of like Diploma in Forensic Medicine - DipiFormed.

Hello!!

2010-09-06T02:31:00.000-07:00

Lots happening as you can imagine.

Next week I have an event with Alex Gray at Dunfermline Waterstones on Wednesday 8th. Even if you don't like either of us, there is a glass of wine on offer!!

Even better is the champagne at the Fish, Chips and Champagne night on Sunday 12th with Gary Moffat and Shirley McKay, that is always a really good event. Last year there was nearly an impromptu performance by Denise Mina, Karen Campbell and myself doing the Nolan sisters ( but not quite so shiney and much more sweary).

Then I'm doing something for the Daily Record midweek .. apart from that, finishing touches to book four and starting book five....my time is my own.

I've never done so much publicity for a book before... got lost in Clydebank trying to find radio Clyde, been mistaken for somebody who appeared on X factor, ended up giving the DJ a giggling fit on Radio Manx, claimed I wrote Atonement in the Sun ( I didn't - I wrote Absolution but I got the train of thought the journalist was obviously on) and was mistaken for a prostitute a certain Glasgow hotel. ... can't work out if that last one was a complement or not.

However, the highlight of the stress was going on STV's The Hour with no rehearsal, no warning, no clues, nae nuffin!!! but in a strange kind of way, it was fun. Stephen and Michelle were great.. that job is a lot harder than it looks, I'd go cross eyed if I had to read auto queue for more than two minutes. But I was on with two border collies looking for a home... and I tried to steal the puppy, it was soooo cute. He was blind and a real wee charmer. But I don't think the bold Emily.. (who is officially the ugliest dog in Glasgow) would have been too chuffed.
For the French and Saunders fans amongst us, do you remember the series of sketches they did about breakfast tv? And what does the queen have mid morning? A hob nob? Well, I couldn't get that out my head while I was sitting on their sofa... I kept thinking.. when do I move?? You know when the guest gets up and the camera catches them leaving rather than being being removed off camera.... or even worse the presenters hand shoots out and they growl 'stay there' out the corner of their mouth. So I made sure my backside was glued to that sofa until I was given the green light to get out the door. eeekkk.

But all the camera crew were laughing... and at one point Stephen Jardine looked a wee bit scared. I considered my job done!

will blog again soon, time allowing

caro

2010-07-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

HI, here's the cover of the new book!! Looks good, the first reviews are all fab and the grand launch is in Glasgow Waterstone's, Sauchiehall Street on 4th August .... that's a Wednesday!!
Usual mayhem of readings, questions, some stand up comedy .. not always intentional and jolly good time had by all.
I'm pressing on with book four - squeezing it in between interviews and photographs.
I'll try to blog properly next week... but that's in Harrogate ... where I am being Miss Marple...or Miss Marbles as I call her. And my panel is 'A scotsman, englishman and irishman walk into a pub and write a crime novel'.... discuss.... there is an american refereeing it!
If you want to see more on that, I've been guest blogger on murder is everywhere - and I think mine is posted next week... after Martin Edwards. I think I have proved my point on how great scotland is by one photo of a real rottweiler of a mountain !!
I will try not to mention the world cup while I'm down south. I just won't try very hard...

caro

The post Bristol blog

2010-05-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

Oh well very excited now ... I have been off Penguin visiting this week and with the Theakston's long list coming out it all just winds the tension up even more. There's been a lot of latte!

Can I please kidnap the wondrous Figbane for the penguinettes quiz team next year ... we managed to scrape a third place at Crime fest... by cheating it has to be said. Fortunately, Peter Guttridge, who is a lovely man, has no idea about the Scottish accent and thought I was growling through the quiz in a generally life-threatening way. I was, of course, doing a cash for questions deal with Mike Stotter who was officially banned for being far too good (won it for every year since the meolithic period I think) and just happened to be sitting near me. I think I could wangle the wondrous Figbane an entry pass by disguising him as a haggis. Not that I have met him but judging by his picture and the poor quality of the security at
Crimefest, I think we could just wing it.

Great festival though ... and hello to three scots lads who followed us down to support the writers, always good to have a bit of a home following amongst the lively, but rather intense, Americans. Is it me or do they tend to ... well moan a bit ... well moan a lot ... like there could be world war three going on and they could still moan that they had to wait for a cup of tea. I was just bloody glad somebody else was making the tea for me ... and what is it with Americans and eggs?? Over easy, sunny side up, flipsy floppsy ... it's a chicken's embryo - just eat the bloody thing.

Meanwhile, the glorious Donna Moore has a new book out... 'Old Dogs' - buy it and read it if you don't mind the embarrassment of laughing out loud in public and getting funny looks on the bus. I think Donna could take over breakfast tv, she'd soon get the country forgetting the recession...in a kind of 'You think the recession is bad - you should try my hangover.' Helen do-you-think-anybody-would- notice- if-I-nipped -out- for-a fag Fitzgerald was on good form , great panel on being gruesome, wish she'd been on our 'the use of swearing in a crime novel panel' - she's a expert! I was having sex in the gutter - that was the name of the panel by the way - and being Desmond Bagley on the forgotten authors panel ... I was doing well until that bloody John Buchan came out of nowhere and saved the world in his 39 steps ... tutt ... why does that make me think of Jasper Carrott?? Oh yes ... John Buchan, Richard Hannay, Jesus of Nazareth, Robert Powell, the detectives and Jasper Carrott ... if that confuses you .... the wondrous Figbane will enlighten you ....

if you have not voted yet, do it now...or The Emily will get you.

I think legally, that's threatening behaviour but who cares!

More soon, Caro.

Vote Ramsay Vote Rankin!!

2010-05-25T02:08:00.002-07:00

No I've not gone mad - it's just Theakstons have produced the long list for Crime Book of the year 2009 and only two scots on it are ... my good self and Mr Rankin... i think we should have a coalition at the top of the charts.... for voting and the rest of the list please see....

http://www.theakstons.co.uk/crime3.html

Or google theakstons 'caro ramsay' and you will get there...eventually. I'll be blogging tonight re the Bristol crime fest ....Peter Guttridge's quiz....What was the name of the dog actor in the original film of the hound of the Baskervilles... and for Caro Ramsay... your question is.. just try and spell 'Scooby doo!'
I paraphrase but i think you get the jist!!
Caro

Beware Zombies on Steroids!

2010-05-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

NEWS

Dark Water published 5th August 2010

EVENTS

20-23 May 2010 - Bristol Crimefest

3 June 2010 - Millport Library

22-25 July 2010 - Harrogate Crimefest

You can now get in touch with me on Facebook, or on email at caro.ramsay@ntlworld.com should you want to book me for any events etc.

Hi All,

Well it has been an exciting week - and volcanic ash permitting I think the next two weeks are going to be even better! There has been lots of tooing and froing from publishers to agents and back again. The German publisher of Absolution and Singing to the Dead are buying Dark Water. Indeed the commissioning editor said she wanted to buy it after reading the prologue. Praise indeed. Funny thing is you never know how a book is going to be received until its out there doing the rounds and up for grabs. Penguin, the British publisher, have called me to a meeting in London to discuss the re-packaging and the German publishers are following suit. As long as they don't try and re-package me as Cheryl Cole - far too fond of fried egg rolls to be that thin!

Weegie Wednesday was as interesting as ever ... as usual the speakers provoked much, although unintentional, discussion (we didn't really have a clue what they were going on about so we - at the bar - were just making it up). I think they both have a future career in politics saying a lot and saying nothing at all! But that might be me ... Or maybe just a Glasgow thing - I don't think we do well with words like motivation, action, function, communication, harmonise and facilitate ... much easier just to get on with it. We had a strange little bit at the bar - all to ourselves - it was a bit like middle earth, a weird but glorious sub-culture of extreme violence. Helen Fitzgerald, fab Aussie Glasgow-based crime was telling us about the identity parade of the hacked off penis's (not from personal experience - well I don't THINK from personal experience) while the great 'Will' was talking about mutant babies taking over the world and how this could be prevented. Looking at David Cameron and Nick Clegg I think Will might be too late. There was defo talk of a disembowelled pigeon blowing up St Enoch Centre and should zombies be put on steroids? One for the anti doping lobby there. Seriously though, I had been writing a bit where a female in a forest gets fired at by a sniper. I had her react to something hit the ground beside her... And an ex soldier pulls her into cover - as I thought a normal person would have no idea they were being shot at by a long range sniper - speed of bullet versus speed of sound etc - my editor scribbled - why? Is she deaf? Ex royal marine questioned at bar in middle earth agreed with me and told me technical words like 'bloody scary' and 'shitless'. Maybe the snipers could take on the mutant ninja babies!

Was also at Rutherglen High School -8 pupils decided they wanted to interview me (God help them!) I'm convinced they think I'm related to Gordon Ramsay - at least they asked if I was his sister ... and not if I was his mother! Been asked that before. I explained that I do swear a lot but I'm useless at both football and cooking. I don't think he's too hot at crime writing come to think about it.

The kids are great though. Kids on high octane thought processes with little steering - good on zombies and ideas for body disposal especially for the disposal of the body of the maths teacher sitting at the side of the room. In the end we decided to weight her body down and have her skeletonised by prawns. I used to feel that way about my maths teacher as well.

And last week, we have a new government - mutant shiny people are in charge. Strange thought is that the country was doing very well with nobody in charge. Do you remember Yes Minister - it's all the Sir Humphries that really run things. Personally I always thought Victoria Wood would be rather good at running the country - free duvets for the elderly on the NHS, Hellman's Mayonnaise on prescription and ban anything on the tv with Andrew Lloyd Webber in it or the word celebrity in the title ... apart from celebrity death squad!!

And my pitbull type dog wants to say hello to Figbane! Stripey dogs of the world unite.

So, I am still polishing up on my Desmond Bagley and Duncan Kyle for the crimefest tomorrow - full of plot lines that would not work nowadays with the use of mobile phones.

Going to Bristol means I'm missing Lesley McDowell's launch on Thursday at Waterstones ... all writing women should go!! Google her and see what it is all about. Great stuff.

Caro

2010-05-05T04:32:00.000-07:00

NEWS
Dark Water published 5th August 2010

EVENTS
20-23 May 2010 - Bristol Crimefest
3 June 2010 - Millport Library
22-25 July 2010 - Harrogate Crimefest

You can now get in touch with me on Facebook, or on email at caro.ramsay@ntlworld.com should you want to book me for any events etc.

And a special hello to Melanie - nice to get your letter and I hope your own writing is going well.

As you can see above I am now on Facebook and I am amazed I have so many friends!! I suppose that's the great thing about Facebook, people can be your friends and you don't actually have to know them... which can be helpful!

Seriously though it is nice to hear from people who talk to me at events and maybe ask my advice on something (misguided but complimentary!). People at events are always genuine, very nice and chatty and sometimes ages afterwards I think... I wonder how they ever got on with that... then they bounce up on Facebook and say... oh hello, remember me I was the one with the poodle at... (Yes I am one of those people that remember the dog rather than the person) and it's great when they take the time to get back in touch and let me know how it went.

Unfortunately the world of publishing is on its knees at the moment and I don't think anybody is buying anything which is a shame as so many people put in such a big effort to make it all work. However, I hope we have weathered the economical storm and that over the next two years it will all pick up again. Just need to tighten the hatches and work a bit harder!

Oh and there has been great initial feedback about Dark Water from people who do have to say they like it! Comments include 'scary', 'very scary', 'your best yet' and the usual comments from my friend in the tourist board requesting a book that has good weather in Glasgow (what fiction). Book four is set during a heat wave, I promise.

Meanwhile, the house dog, a rescue mutt called Emily (a specific breed of dog in this part of the world known to Billy Connolly as a 'BGD', Big Glasgae Dug... they are are kind of brown, ugly and normally found upending a wheelie bin in search of food) has become the enforcer of the street. A rather large and handsome Weimaraner decided to try and chat her up, he was not on a lead and was trying to be rather amorous in his attentions. He was very handsome but I can only compare it to James Bond trying to chat up Miss Marple and getting a very severe slap in the process. Mr Weimaraner has since been more careful in his approaches to lady dogs since Emily had a go! All dog owners in the street think this is good news as he is a bit of a lad with the lady dogs and the street has a few unexplained cross Weimaraner puppies and a few very cross owners.

Meanwhile, for recreation I've been reading the diaries of Gyles Brandreth... an amazing peep into the life of a type of person whose path I would never cross although as I type that I realise I have met him twice and am about to see him again at Bristol. He is totally bonkers in the nice eccentric way he comes across on tv. But his diaries are amazing... boarding school and travelling across Europe on his own at seven years of age! At seven I doubt I could find my way to the bike sheds. His historical stand on prisoners rights and human rights makes amazing reading for those of us who only really know him for wearing funny jumpers on TVAM.

And class has been very interesting. There was a strange topic of conversation at writers' group - foxes are getting very tame:

ME - Yes, they are urban now and live on a diet of chicken tikka masala.

JC - It's only a matter of time before they take a baby.

CR - No, I think that was a dingo and I'm sure the dingo was innocent in the end.

That provoked a discussion that proves it's a common held belief in some parts of the west coast that foxes do kill and eat children!! So of course, I go to class and the lecture is about bodies left outside and who gets there first in a decomposition sense. And then the lecturer said it, 'foxes do not like the taste of human flesh... they do like the bone marrow but not the flesh... and rodents will gnaw away at the long bones of your hands and feet to sharpen their teeth.' Which means of course that you are, in reality, more likely to be eaten by the faithful hound that falls asleep in front of your fire every night than any creature of the forest. I think that was a line in Bridget Jones... something about 'I shall die in my flat alone and be eaten by my Alsation!'

More soon.

Caro

The symptoms of synopsis

2010-04-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

NEWS - Dark Water published 5 August 2010

EVENTS -

Bristol Crimefest 20 -23 May 2010

Millport Library - 3 June 2010

Harrogate Crimefest - 22 - 25 July 2010

I think the government should put a health warning on the word 'synopsis'. It should be considered a stress related illness and the request for 'synopsis' (or whatever the plural is .... answers on a postcard please, I've asked people with an awful lot of grey matter and they can't agree!!) should be accompanied by prozac and chocolate to deal with the sense of hopelessness and isolation it entails. I remember well having difficulty understanding the T lymphocyte response and it was only when the lecturer said ... think of B lymphocytes as hand to hand combat (Stewart Granger coming down the stairs buckling his swash immediately entered my mind) and the T's as the Indian scouts coming back to base with reports that Big John Wayne and a Hollywood camera crew are about to descend ...so they need to get reinforcements!! This analogy was then taken up by the TB immune response; the cowboys all in a circle and the Indians going round and round... stalemate. And that I understood. I could see it all in my mind, Bernard McLaverty who I so adore, said good writers always see it in their mind, like a film or like reality ... (gives rise to the adage that if you can't see it, you shouldn't film it. We don't really want to know in the last line that the narrator is a cat, or sofa, or the back shock absorber of a Toyota Corolla) the visual aspect of the film would give it away ... instantly.

But the synopsis is dry, methodical, precise and rather grown up and well behaved. There's a Percy Perfect Prefect thing going on about the synopsis and I think you should be able to present synopsis in a variety of ways ... music, song, dance, french mime, finger puppets .... Can you tell it did not go well???

Meanwhile I seem to be a celebrity endorser for a local candidate for the election. I confessed at the time I knew nothing about politics (in fact politicans are probably the precise people that are good on synopsis and therefore not to be trusted). But this candidate is a good friend, and decent human being and on these grounds alone I think he'd be a good egg in parliament ... somebody who is honest, has a nice wife, a very well behaved, polite child and a cute dog. He has job worries and money worries just like the rest of us and lives a very normal life. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for him.

I can reveal exclusively that Gordon Brown was boogying on down at the Showaddywaddy concert in Glasgow recently, shame it was a Gordon Brown and not THAT Gordon Brown ... but somehow I find the latter image rather pleasing.

On pain of death and getting my fingernails pulled out by my editor, I am going back to my synopsis, might just have a look at how that volcano is doing ...

Or maybe walk the dog again

Or make a cup of tea

Or start my sitcom...

Or do my procurator fiscal essay!!

Caro

2010-04-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

News - Dark Water published 5th August 2010

Events

Bristol Crimefest, 20 - 23rd May 2010

Millport Library - 3rd June 2010

Harrogate Crimefest, 22 - 25 July 2010

Sometimes writing is a great life. And sometimes it ain't!

Good times are when a little innocuous looking email pops into your tray, bringing you the glad tidings that the new book has sold to the audio book company and therefore you have made money without typing a word.

Bad times are when you are happily typing away, the words are rolling across the screen, death and violence reign on the keyboard and hours pass with no caffeine or chocolate and the writer doesn't even notice - and then the phone rings and junior practitioner has slid down a mountain in Switzerland without the aid of skis, coming to grief with three limbs pointing one way and the fourth in quite another.... and can you come in and do the clinic. That is like being pulled away from good friends in the pub, just as one is about to relate a really funny joke that you have heard before but you'd really like to hear again. And it can take a wee while to get back in the groove of the story and the mood of the character again.

I've been asked to do an event at a school that shall remain nameless - last time I went there they were convinced I was Gordon Ramsay's sister. One thought I was Gordon Ramsay's mother (that child barely got out alive). So it'll be interesting what they come up with this time. Nice kids who don't have much in life yet let you have it with both barrels and like to get as good as they give. Could do with them running the country actually.

Am having a good time reviewing my Desmond Bagley and Duncan Kyle books. Just reading The Honey Ant... good story but plotholes that my editor would stick pins in your eyes for... people being shot at and not caring all that much and not mentioning it for a few pages. It's also interesting to see how the role of women has changed in novels written by the same author in 1960 then 1980. In the earlier they point and keep quiet a lot. By the 80's they have degrees and kick ass!

So I'm away to study my forensics now. Sufflocation, my word for the week.

Bye.

2010-03-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Well another busy week. The copy edit of Dark Water is away - nice to see it tucked in and put to bed, belt and braces. Very interesting to read through it again, like a proper book. Still find it hard to believe I write them once I see the finished article.

The events are picking up. Was in the great city of Edinburgh last week, very nice crowd - witty and informed. I really enjoy getting chit chat going with the audience - there's nothing worse than listening to a boring author jabbering on about how fascinating they are. Tell them what they want to know and make them laugh in the process and you can only do that if they ask.

They are hoping to ask me back, with Helen Fitzgerald. If you don't know Helen and aren't easily shocked start reading her now. It's the kind of crime fiction that you think you shouldn't laugh at but then do because it's very funny and very well written.

Meanwhile, wrote 6,000 words today. I think that's due to the fact I've tentatively started running again as my lungs have decided to work again - never be Paula Radcliffe - but it's a start. Funny thing about writing - that doing some other meditational activity often really cranks up the word count. The writing goes on in the head - readjusted, edited and rewritten, once back in front of the computer, it's all simply recorded paraphrasing my stable mate Val McDermid (we have the same agent) she said her productivity dropped by one third when she went full time at writing. Thinking time is still thinking time whether you are sitting in a traffic jam, walking the dog, or staring at the computer screen!

Last week was also Weggie Wednesday - get hold of them on their website! - at the end of last year they asked Helen Fitzgerald and I to do a talk on crime writing but it was more like a comedy routine. There should be some photos of both of us on their website - October the 14th my faithful pa has just told me!! - the photo will have both of us with our mouths open no doubt. Weggie Wednesday is a friendly get together in the pub with like-minded creative types ( I am afraid I have a distrust of the word networking as it has visions for me of used car salesmen arse licking) but the Weggie crowd are really great. Good fun, good topics and speakers who get buzzed if they go on for more than ten minutes. So if you are a Glaswegian check the website and come along and say hello. It is the type of place you can turn up and be made to feel welcome.

So in the next week, the week of the really long synopsis... the long synopsis goes on longer than the bubonic plague and is twice as unpleasant but for writers with triple plot devices, it HAS to be done. There you go, that sounded as if I knew what I was talking about. If I survive the long synopsis, you might hear more next week!

2010-03-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Another busy week, one of those busy weeks that ends up achieving not much.

Meanwhile, I have ordered all my Desmond Bagley books - they are re-issuing them in two novels in one book format. I'm looking forward to revisiting them all.

Duncan Kyle is proving a little more difficult, I'm in the process of sending my serfs round secondhand bookshops with a shopping list.

The fourth novel is coming on a storm. I'm trying to learn a bit of Russian pronunciation - which is OK, then trying to learn some Russian spelling - not so OK.

And in the meantime I'm studying hard for my forensics exam. A good piece of advice I received was to practice writing for three hours in order to sit a three hour written exam. The physical art of writing is becoming a thing of the past now. Most information nowadays is 'typed in', no handwritten copy first and doing a three hour writing stint uninterrupted fairly puts some strain on the writing hand when your not used to it.

Or something....

Caro

2010-02-23T05:31:00.000-08:00

Apologise for the late blog but I have been ill - a strange lung condition caused by a potentially fatal mould... for a few weeks over Christmas I thought I was living in a Desmond Bagley thriller. But while I've been lying around attached to oxygen and inhalers my evil little brain has been active. (At this moment I should point out that all crimewriters are prone to exaggeration - but the condition had four names - all Latin - therefore it must have been bad!). Enforced physical rest has pushed the body count of the new book to five.

Strange things happen when writers sit down with a blank screen in front of them and the Waverley paddle steamer seems to have taken centre stage at the start of the novel. Most Glaswegians, especially those who grew up in the shipbuilding centres of Govan and Clydebank, will have deeply ingrained memories of being dragged on the Waverley for a "pleasure" cruise as part of a summer holiday treat. Being Glasgow fair fortnight wind chill factor minus five and the marvellous scenery blotted out by rain laiden clouds, I was always dragged into the bowels of the engine room where it was all explained to me in great detail for hours on end.

I was probably four years old at the time.

But with most memories it's the sound and the smell that remain most clearly in my mind, the sweet almost sooty smell of the engine oil that stayed with me on the train all the way home.

And I think that the publishers are pleased to know that the Waverley is sailing on the Clyde on a summer's day when the sun is splitting a cloudless sky ... see above comment about crimewriters and exaggerations!!

The new book, Dark Water has a pencilled in publication of the fifth of August 2010. The cover is, I think, the best one yet, very atmposheric and threatening.

I have been invited to attend the Harrogate Crime Festival. My panel is called "A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman go into a bar"... Haven't heard yet who else will be participating but I presume it will be an Englishman and an Irishman.

I have also been asked to appear at Bristol where my topic for discussion is "Sex in the Gutter". Why they thought of me for that I have no idea...

The marvellous award winning journalist and crime novelist Tony Black is running a series of workshops in Edinburgh and he has asked me to take a workshop based on my own experiences of the editorial process - so that should be fun. Last time we had the whole audience doing the theme tune to Jaws just to demonstrate the importance of reversal.

I will try to blog again next Tuesday.

Take care. Caro.

third degree burns

2009-11-13T00:12:00.000-08:00

I don't see a time when I'll start a blog that does not say... well it has been a busy week! The highlight of it was doing my workshop on 'The art and craft crime writing' down in Kilmarnock at the lovely Burns Monument. The workshop is informative, helpful and extremely funny - not alway intentionally so it has to be said - but great fun all the same. To show how to build tension and the role of the reversal in crime writing we do my version of the screenplay of Jaws ... in one minute... accompanied by a white shark (well it was a blue whale but it was a crime workshop not a David Attenbortough special and they all should have been creative types with good imaginations!). It went down a hoot and you can always tell when they are enjoying themselves - some smart arse at the back starts doing THAT music.....

The rest of the evening was taken up doing a double hander with Gary Moffat, he of Daisy Chain fame. Nice guy, lawyer, great writer, if you ever get the chance to see him... go! The Burns monument is a great venue for many things, including weddings, nice hall, great gardens for photographs. The lovely Louise who was in charge said, totally off the cuff... 'Yes, you and Gary are in the wedding suite tonight!' Much carry on type tittering all round.
I do wonder when listening to other writers... particulary at big conferences... at Bristol there was a lawyer, a coroner, a peadeatrician and a pathologist on the panel who are all best seling crime writers... do lawyers and medics write slightly differently because of their background? The obvious answer is yes until you look at the books... and then think... no they are actually equally violent and nasty types on paper no matter what they do for a day job!!
thanks to all who turned up, sorry to those who drove home no able to get THAT tune out of their head...
oh no, I'm at it again now...

2009-10-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

Hello All

Such is the life of a creative genius... (well me!!!)

My colleagues at the day job are having great adventures across both North and South Africa, one investigating leopards in the Kruger National Park and the other is looking at a pyramid. I've been left manning the ship.

This leaves little time to write but the good news is that Penguin really like the third book, they think it is my strongest yet and they have tentatively christened it Dark Water ... but this might change.

Meanwhile, we are ploughing forward with planning book four which is really turning out to be very evil and very nasty indeed.

I'd like to thank everybody who turned up at the Murder Mystery Night and helped make it such a success although I was a little concerned when some of your seemed truly disappointed not to be the killer - better luck next time!

Blog again next week.

Caro

And in the begining....

2009-10-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

....there was a blog.
So a hello to everybody who has been following me by letter and email while I ( by that I mean folk who understand computers) have been trying to sort out the gremlins in the web site.

Bookwise the news is good, I've just delivered book three and the Penguins like it although the editor says she has to read it under a duvet against the radiator nursing a Rusty Nail. I think Glasgow does a pretty good impersonation of Siberia in it. The Scottish Tourist board have asked that Book 4 is set in summer...a slightly warmer bit of Siberia then.

Four of the best crime writers in Scotland are appearing at Hillhead Library on Friday 16th, the event is in aid of Unicef. Me, my old pal (I mean I have known her for ages not that she is ancient although come to think of it....)Alex Gray, Karen Campbell the best seller and Helen Fitzgerald- the Crocodile Dundee of the Scottish Chapter! All on stage together. Scary.

I've been getting a few letters asking about book three - there wasn't a excerpt from it in the back of two and a few of you are worried that I've stopped writing. The answer to that is that publishers buy a 'deal' - a two, four or six book deal. If they know they have the rights for the next book, they can put an excerpt in. If not - they have to wait. We are still debating the title of book three. I came up with the highly original 'Book three!'. All the titles I came up with gave the game away too soon.

Book four has a working title, The Line.
And it is set during a heatwave! I wonder if I can go to the Bahamas to research,
More next week,

Caro