It has all been a little fraught as you may have gathered, every blog I have typed has been full of expletives and unpublishable. But now, after the event, after the big day that was today, we are all back to normality and nobody died. This is five days after the first attempt at this blog... at some point I was staggering up the street at one AM, having lost my shoes, my voice and the will to live. And perfectly sober I may add.
At this moment, when a degree of normality returned, I am lying under the dog and the duvet, sipping red wine and trying to get warm. So now, kiddiewinks, I will transport you back to the Tuesday before the BIG DAY.
It was an effing disaster of a day.
I was treating the patients as usual, they seemed to sense all was not well and bore more gifts that usual- the croissant were almond crusted, the sandwiches had mayo and not salad cream. The FPA was trying to firm up arrangements for the launch- arrangements that were already in place and were all moved a month forward as publication date changed.... then... well, the FPA was trying to keep control of her bowels as the day wound down from bad to worse.
We opened the boxes of books that had been delivered from the publisher... there were a few missing....well 33% missing. No copies at all of one of the books. And I had a major charity event on Sunday... and they need the books to sell. My poor editor only came back from holiday on Monday and we have done nothing but moan at her.... another few emails.
Lots of coffee and almond croissants!
Then the FPA phoned the hotel. They had lost the booking. Her face went pale, and I think she stopped breathing. I think as her lungs collapsed, her bowels went into over drive. She didn’t tell me at that point, she asked the young lady, very pointedly to PHONE me BACK WHEN YOU HAVE FOUND IT.
Or die. I think was the subtext.
The girl did find it eventually and she was very apologetic, but by then the FPA was on life support. We did ask what would have happened if 100 Glaswegians had walked in looking for free booze and no function room was ready for them... oh we would have sorted out something she said.
Well good luck with that one pal!
Hiring room? Can we have one table, loads of chairs? How many chairs round how many tables? She said. Only one table, but a lot of chairs- they will move them around as they want? Yes, but how many tables do you want in the room?
More than zero, less than two.
Why are they so many numpties in employment when there so many unemployed. My pal had a border collie that would have grasped the situation quicker.
But she was honest enough to admit it when the booking email was eventually found and the FPA was jump started by an adrenaline injection right into the cardiac muscle. Less than honest were Tesco, Sainsbury and some other glass hire lot. Unbelievably wrong on everything they said on the phone and then deny that that was what they said. Twenty pounds is not sixty pounds as they tell you. Or was it forty? So you want 300 glasses? Well we have twelve. Yes but on the phone you said you had 300. The response to this is a blank stare. And 12 glasses.
Ok said, faithful PA? Please give us twenty bottles of wine and three hundred straws.
Or a horse trough and they can just sort themselves out.
Maybe if I was a member of Mensa I would be oblivious.
Some of the guests seem to be mistaking the complimentary bus for the hokey cokey. They are in, then they are out. Very confusing if you are the Bold Oscarina with the clipboard and the microphone. Her job was that Falklands thing of counting them out and counting them home.
There was one ray of sunshine. A patient had got hold of an advance copy of Blood Of Crows, started it at 8pm, and then read it until the wee small hours, he was enjoying it so much. And he was a wee bit scared so he thought he had better read on. He finished it in matter of hours, he said it was my best yet, real thrilling thriller.
And I didn’t even owe him money.
Ps, he wasn’t a member of MENSA either.