4 days to go

Well the  MFB ( mighty figbane... is his wife henbane? ) has come up trumphs with a website, that took me to another website and ended up with a website called my favourite sweeties! Like old proper sweeties.  There I found two that had kept me awake all night worrying  - the Pyramid Bar  and the Cracknel bar.
The pyramid bar was a chocolate pyramid filled with mint fondant, the Cracknel bar was  a slim, rather elegant dark chocolate that used to sit in a little cardboard sleeve so  you had to slide it out to eat it. Or eat the cardboard as well. Which I often did.
The inside was green methol/minty icicles  and a bit..snappy!
They were great.
 Somebody emailed me to say that they are still available  in South Africa. Have posh friend  who has a timeshare on a game reserve -she shares it with some impala. Might ask her to bring me some back next time.That reminds me of the old joke - give me a home where the buffalo roam and I will show you a house full of cow shit.
The bar six question has been answered due to the MFB and I know two members of the writers group that will be very pleased at that. Some of the writers group have to be kept happy/ sedated/ on a register other wise things can get a little out of order.   They are great , but slightly weird. talented but in no way arrogant. Criticism is given and received, no holds barred then we have coffee and tablet.. or coffee and tablets.. in some cases. It is a big strange on the ears when two lovely little old ladies start discussing the merits of the pointy pervert...( kind of cross between Benny Hill and that wee Red creature that inhabits Venice in don't look now. The thing I found most frightening about that film was Donald Sutherland's perm, after that the pervert was a dawdle!)    And two highly respected accountants start talking about the best torture to do with a broken  snooker queue and a snooker table. I suggested a surgical latex glove might be best deployed there. This sort of thing is the best reason to distrust accountants.
Did try to look out some clothes today for Thursday.. but they were put away some where safe and I have no hope of finding them- that'll be that high IQ thing again.
Edited another 100 pages of book, it goes really well  running through the pages, then I hit a sticky section that reads really clunky- and needs to be half the word count. That takes about ten minutes per page. And that is without a Dorito break.
Got an email from a fan who was carrying her husband a tray of breakfast up to bed with the newspapers on it. He was lying there.  Opened the paper and jumped out his bed. 'It's Caro,' he said... 'There in the paper. I can't be naked in front of her!'   Answers on a postcard to me about that one.
Meanwhile, it was very cold today for what is technically still summer. The MFB will be glad to know that the pItbull has it's own fire on with a huge cushion in front so that she can toast herself as winter draws in. That's Daily Record Devil dogs for you!

Me

brain fried , Day 6 is it? no 5!

Patient with bad sinus trouble asked me to put my hand on her sphincter. Mmmmm. As this had helped her sinus to drain last time I did it.

Sphincter? I asked

Yes, here she answered, pointing to her head.

Sphenoid, I said.

I knew it began with a C, she said. And lay down.

That lady is very bright, a very bright human being indeed. But scatty and happy with it. She's delightful, mega intelligent who knows she can't find her own arse with a map but it does not concern her. She is shit hot at her very demanding, very worthwhile job. 

So...... I did my talk to Mensa in the afternoon.

Did not know what to expect. I know three members of Mensa. wouldn't let any of them walk my dog.

My hyper intelligent friend (slightly useless but aware it PhD person)  phoned to ask how I got on.  Mensa is outdated  he said,   society needs functioning intelligence in the species, and that comes in many different forms. People are rightly dismissive of those who claim to be bright but can't walk and talk at the same time. Well I think that was what he said but I  was dipping Doritos at  the time  and you have to have some sense  of proportion.
 Intelligence might not be a linear thing but might be spokes radiating out from a central point.  The creative genius go north, the spreadsheet anoraks go  south and all of mankind is in here or there.

I did ask a few patients about Mensa, answers varied but nobody had a good word to say. Not that anybody knew much. I had done some research about them but failed to see the point. Their PR is obviously done by MI6 .  The conversation went along the lines of .'well why would you join it?'  I have better things to do with my time.  If I want to speak to like minded people I'll speak to the CWA, the FIMLS, SSR and the MJWG . (crimewriters, forensic people, scottish staffie rescue etc) Why would I want  to speak to somebody I might have nothing in common with, apart from an ability to recognise a sequence of prime numbers? It's a strange tie to bind by.  Maybe in todays world, that IQ label is a barrier, as everybody else is too busy getting on with it. 
Are they stuck in a intellectual time warp?  I am hugely intelligent when interested (  diagnosis) ,  thick as shit when  not. .. tax returns.  My accountant marvels at my brain, I marvel at his. Neither is superior, we are just different. Each to their own, you wouldn't run Mo Farrah in the 100 metres.

My pal left school with one O' grade, at the age of 34 he got his PhD. It wasn't IQ that held him back, it was being poor. 

So I didn't know  what to expect,  but whatever it was, it wasn't what I got.

Kind of lovely but strange, like old geography teachers. Those very liberal left wing geography teachers where  nothing ever gets done as  everything is discussed ... but bugger all decided. I've always believed in benign dictatorship. Somebody has to have a steady hand on the helm. Even on board the Titanic.

They were talking about a lack of funds and a lack of membership. Now bearing in mind that I was an onlooker, listening and ingesting I might be  being totally unfair and I might be being so in this entire blog but... then, if they want to draw in new membership, what did I see?

No idea, but in the little snippet I saw there was a lack of cohesion and direction, a sort of wooly circular thinking.  I think most folk were elsewhere, doing something else. 

They had two great speakers.  One was on the website, great girl, good analysis of Lolita/edits/ rewrites.. did Nabokov basically write the same book more than once? Really interesting stuff.  The other speaker was not mentioned.  

I'm doing a non-crime event  next month, sold out 200 seats. Scottish book of the month. Seven national newspaper interviews, three national radio interviews lined up.  Not even a mention on the website.  Was that because as a mere crime writer I was not worthy??  

That does say something about their advertising and how they promote what they have.

But one by one, they were lovely. I thought I would get lively intellectual debate but only a mild ... oh no you don't, oh yes you do. type argument.    I was right of course but didn't want to press the point.  My Swedish background was  tipping the balance in my favour. If they had been bright  and conniving, instead of just bright,  they would have researched their guest and known better with that one!

I did chortle in a high IQ score but even higher psychopath score kind of way...

Food for thought.

Doritos are the best food for thought.

Whatever happened to Bar 6's? Any body know? Was it the EEC? 

Me 

day six and still counting

Hi

It was a kind of normal day today. Well normal for me. The main talk  amongst the patients was Anders Breivik, his 'sane' verdict had just come through this morning. Opinions range from he's obviously mad as  a sane person would never do that to.. it really doesn't matter if he is sane or not just lock him up. But we hope that will be an end to it all, he's another manipulating psychopath and the Norwegian courts have done a great job in not allowing him the space to spout his right wing views. And the relatives of the victims have been so dignified in their grief. It makes me think that revenge is not part of their psyche, but justice is.

Meanwhile Peter Robinson ( tall, well built, slightly balding) was on the TV this morning, I missed it but he was on at Harrogate when I was there, wearing a very nice leather jacket on stage.  He was on late at night and I  was tired and my contacts lens were a bit  fusty. The next day,  I was  in the lift of the holiday inn, and in gets  a man, ( tall, well built, slightly balding ) with a very nice leather jacket on. Oh I thought, I am standing in the lift with Peter Robinson. We walked across the foyer together, he let me go through the revolving doors first.  Then we did that embarrassing thing of walking stride for stride .. going to the same destination about ten minutes away ( the swan hotel in Harrogate - famous for being the hotel that the Sainted Agatha did a runner to).  I asked him if he was enjoying Harrogate, he paused before saying  'yes'.
 I asked him if he enjoyed the event yesterday. There was a pause and he said 'yes'
 By this time I was thinking that he might be very hung over.
I started again by commenting on the nice flowers in the ornamental gardens  as we strolled past, still stride for stride. There was a long pause, he looked at the gardens, then said 'yes'.
At this point I concluded he was deaf, there was just that pause when somebody hard of hearing computes what they have heard compared to what they thought they heard.
I said Harrogate was very twee.
 He asked me what Twee meant.
I realised that not only was he not Peter Robinson, he was not even English.
 He explained that he was a Norwegian Translator- he translated Me ( he recognised me  and he had known who I was from the minute he got in the lift) He did George Pelicanos and Dennis Lehane. And he  translates Peter Robinson. 'he is a good pal, ' He explained, 'yesterday, on stage he borrowed my jacket.'
At one o'clock that morning, he was very drunk, as was my German editor, trying to do the quiz and arguing about what kind of dog  Columbo had. It was Pythonesque!.. I know - do you?

Came home to HWMBI reliving his mis spent youth by watching The Tomorrow People on DVD with the cast commentary on, it's hysterical.  If you are too young to know who The Tomorrow People are, just think of Dr Who  made by the cooncil  with special effects by John Noakes and Shep.  Shep being the talented one at the sticky back plastic. In this exciting episode-  the Klu Kluz Klan are  drilling to the centre of the earth as an extra from Sarah Brightman's video for  'I lost my heart to a star ship trooper' is trying to stop them. I think they want to take over the world or jump the methadone queue or something. Maybe they are trying to find an adult to use the scissors.  At the moment a girl wearing pants and thigh length leather boots is smoking a hubble bubble pipe with far too much blusher on ( the girl not the pipe but the show  is lit like 1972 Top of the pops all halogen green and pork pie pink), What has she to do with the actual plot? No idea.   Don't think the writers had much idea either.

Going to cheer myself up by editing the book and flinging a dead body off the rest and be thankful.  well somebody has too!  For the Americans reading the 'rest and be thankful' is a long slow hill in Argyll,  drilled out the hillside.  It is an ancient drovers road.. and it is Ronseal. It does  what  it says on the tin - you rest and are thankful.

Caro

a week to go

This was my last day off from the day job until the time of the launch. There were many TTBD. ( things to be done). At times like this I wish I had no friends.

In short;-

Got email from the printers that the book marks would be delivered at work..between 7.30am and 5.30 pm.  I have very hard working staff but none of them would be there at 7.30 am. And I wonder whose work is open at that hour.  They were actually delivered at 10 so all was well.

The contractual copies of the Blood Of Crows arrived as well. No doubt they will be well fingered by the time I get there, the wee sods at work will have read the ending so they can tease the patients.

Had to finish off the shopping for the launch, that meant Morrisons and ASDA in a hurry, met four patients who were not in a hurry  and wanted to chat.

The pit bull wanted to investigate all that had passed in the 24 hours of her absence and walked our route, as blackadder would have it 'at the pace of an asthmatic ant carrying some very heavy shopping.'. She may be ugly but she is very thorough.

The pancreatic poodle was much better, he had had his hair combed. ( he needed it)

Got an email from a friend that contained the words of death - as you are working from home today we will just pop round. Why can't people see the lack of sense in that. They were bringing me round something I would enjoy. To pieces of beetroot. So that was tea sorted!

HWMBI disappeared without trace from his work. I naturally thought that something exciting had happened to him... abducted by aliens,  kidnapped to be Angelina Jolie's sex slave, signed by Glasgow Rangers... but he and his running mate ( in an Olympic sense not a presidential sense) had gone out for a 'run' at lunchtime.They had left their IQ at their desks as they had not realised how the mid day temp had risen, they were running at the coast, up steep hills, then missed a turn for home and ended up doing  3/4 of a marathon. With no water. One of them  hit the wall and had to be carried into a garden centre where  he was parked outside the toilet while the one who still had the power to walk and talk, went in search of the key. So they could get water.  Both these people  have a whole alphabet of degrees after their names. Which brings me to the matter of IQ, (see how that link was seamless) ? I am talking to Mensa on Saturday. It will be interesting to see what sort of people like to wear a badge to say they are clever.  They are probably the sort of people who forget to  hydrate during a long run.
John Stuart Mill said a few things about brains and the different way they work. I did read it, but don't have the sort of brain that would retain it.
I didn't retain that fact the fact that I was supposed to be blogging about Johnny Depps brother  and Peter Robinson's leather jacket,,, but I will keep that for next time.

Caro    

day nine and .....

Can't be a bad day when your first patient is a poodle with pancreatitis and a middle parting. The dog was very upset by the latter, but not really bothered about his dodgy insulin production at all.  It was a doggy kind of day all together... The mighty pitbull decided half way  round her walk that it was going to thunder.. and felt a desperate need to get back to the house to check all was well,  not that she was scared you understand.

Have to confess that I did laugh out loud this morning at the weather girl on BBC - you know the one who speaks fluent BBC Scotland,a  kind of cosy, Ovaltine and shortbread kind of Scottish accent, she could read out the problem page of the People's Friend. She was bitten on the bum while reading the weather forecast,  which was funny. She was bitten  on the bum by a penguin which was even funnier but when she whipped round, leaving the camera behind she exclaimed... oh you wee..( slight pause as she realised she could not swear) ... searching around for a word... then said.. RASCAL!

I really think she wanted to cast aspersions on its penguin parentage.

Did loads of work on novel this afternoon while kindly patient realised that she was going from Glasgow Airport to Stirling within ten minutes of me doing exactly the same thing. She'll be coming in from  Dubai and going onto Gleneagles. I'm flying in from Stornoway and going on to the Holiday Inn. So she very kindly offered to run me, in her very posh car. ( be the highlight of the trip that!)

That will be me on my way to Bloody Scotland, the inaugural crime fest north of the border.  I'm on with Yrsa on the Saturday afternoon and have already been invited to a few drinkie parties. Zoe Sharp is popping up with an american crime writer pal and Pat MacIntosh is on at the same time as I am talking about historical crime fiction- she's very good. Always knitting, razor sharp wit and usually has  a purple streak in her hair.  She's a Dr of Palaeoanthropology so what she doesn't know about velocoraptors ain't worth knowing.  

More about the highlights and low lights of the crime festival world tomorrow.
It is still damp and muggy, plenty of thunder in the air. Not that the pitbull is scared you understand, she is just paying great attention to the underside of the table.

no latte! bad day indeed.

Caro

Day 10 and counting

Had only a short clinic  today as I was being interviewed by The Herald in the afternoon. One of the disadvantages (or maybe the great advantage) is that I can't be interrupted when I'm with a patient. So a 40 minute interview at some point after 12 means a clinic is cancelled. We had taken advantage of an 11 o'clock finish by living the high life and treating ourselves to coffee in Morrisons. Our creative thoughts and financial planning were grossly disrupted by very small children screaming very loudly indeed. My ears were bleeding my faithful PA has got two kids and has some sort of immune system but even she was stuffing napkins in her ears.

After the interview I settled down to work on the novel, tidy desk, coffee, dog at my feet, cat in front of laptop. Then the phone went , again and again... all cold calls, If you could set a pitbull on somebody down the phone.... I needed to concentrate. Sometimes a book goes out of focus in the middle and you only realise it when you get to the end, it is startlingly obvious when the first edit is done.

But it is a good book and so far so good.

 I have ordered Yrsa's Siguroardottir books as I am on with her at the Bloody Scotland crime festival. She still works full time as a civil engineer as  well as writing crime fiction. Barry Forshaw was trying to teach me how to pronounce her surname. It got easier the more wine Barry had. I really enjoyed Deadly Rituals so I am looking forward to the rest. She also donated a rather fine desert to the Killer Cookbook - it is battery operated! Meanwhile, my ipod is loaded with Mankell, now onto the White Lioness.

Just watching my pal David Wilson on the TV. His book about Bible John and Tobin is one of the best real crime books I have read. Simple facts., simple conclusions.  He is talking about the serial killer Colin Ireland. Never heard of him said HWMBI. So I gave a brief discourse. HWMBI gave me that look,  that look that says you are a sad, sick perv.

Indeed, but I am  nice with it. Just ask the Parsons Jack Russell.

Caro

Day 11 and counting

Well that was another 12 hour shift -- as I was walking back to the car, just a wee bit knackered I had a wee bit of reflection on the day. Presents from patients; bottle of pinot, latte, cheese sandwich with M and S dressing, loaf from Italian bakery.

My little grey haired cashmere lady who looks likes butter wouldn't melt in her armpit was telling me that a  new and lovely coffee shop had opened in the village. Patients do feel they have to advise me of such things. She said the Latte was £3.50, £2.50 for a biscuit  with two raisins in it. They had bought a biscuit between them and counted. Dick Turpin, as they say, wore a mask!
But the seats where comfy so the next day Fran and Anna go to Lidl and buy four Mars Bars for a pound and scoff them with the gold plate latte. They were sneaking them from under table to mouth  by slight of hand napkin manoeuvres.  Two whole Mars Bars each. We were celebrating she explained.
What was the occasion I asked.
My diabetes has stabilised she said.

Other patient had put her back out while performing the Heimlich Manoeuvre on a labrador.
Another patient was a Parsons Jack Russell who was a real wee cutie with a very bad leg. Nice and pally, sitting on my knee, wee kisses, smiley smiley.Took one look at the laser and said.. no way pal., Offsky!
Figbane would  be proud I am sure.

Got home in comatose mode to  eat crisps and watch that Ian Brady documentary.  I am too young to  comprehend the impact that the Moors Murderers had on the public psyche at that time. I've read a fair bit about them, read the court transcripts that are harrowing in extreme. They were not the worst, yet they are demonised so much more than Tobin or Huntley or the Wests. Is that justice or revenge? Maybe because  they were the first to have lived out their crimes and their detection in the public eye, in the glare of the media. Both Brady and Hindley have been guilty of using the media to their own ends. We are all aware of the tit for tat, he did /she did. The answer is that they did, end of!

 I was watching that programme last night thinking.. well you have the attention of the whole nation again.  And I felt guilty  about watching it, it's what he wants.  Just another wee wave of his flag for his swan song.
The man is ill, severely mentally disturbed. We should not try to understand what he is doing, it will make no sense to the sane mind and we could drive ourselves mad trying to make sense of  him and his airtime.

Caro